Know Thy Enemy
Wise words, whether for battle on the field or just versus your own inner demons. Or in this case, our language. The topic for today is the word should, and also the number 7 because being sponsored by random digits works for Sesame Street.
Let’s start off with the definition of the word. Up front it lets us know it means business by having four (4!) major definitions, taken from dictionary.com.
- simple past tense of shall.
- (used to express condition): Were he to arrive, I should bepleased.
- must; ought (used to indicate duty, propriety, orexpediency): You should not do that.
- would (used to make a statement less direct or blunt): I should think you would apologize.
The first and second are the less common outside of British royalty so we will concern ourselves with the last two definitions. In my experience should is used in place of both must and would regularly and this is where I have a problem with it.
The less of two evils
Must is the less dangerously used meaning for should and here is why: if you say “I should lose some weight” then that means the same as “I must lose some weight.” Which depending on your weight might be an exaggeration or something your doctor told you.
However notice how much more punch the second version has. ”I must lose weight.” To me that triggers all kinds of worst case scenarios playing in my mind if the action is not followed.
So if we use should to replace the word must we are often weakening the argument and in the case of personal improvement that can be the difference between success or failure.
Where should bites us on the keyster
The real reason I detest the common usage of the word should is the fourth definition, as a synonym for would. It ties very strongly with the last example except that it is even more pronounced. An example will (caught myself typing should here fyi, it really is subtle) help.
Imagine instead of saying “I should ask for a raise at work” you say “I would ask for a raise at work…” I can’t even end the sentence because it is no longer syntactically valid but did you notice how it opened that thought up to all kinds of counter arguments.
- “but I don’t want to rock the boat”
- “but other people work harder than me and deserve a raise more”
- “but I should be thankful I have a job at all in this economy”
Should leaves your mind open to find answers to questions you really don’t want it to be telling you. If there is one thing your subconscious mind is awesome at, it is finding answers without you knowing. If you ask it questions that lead to negative answers this will fill your mind with negative thoughts.
Should and failure
The worst thing about should is it sets you up for failure and makes you feel bad for failing. Don’t believe me? Let’s go back to the first example.
“I should lose weight.”
If you are like many of us this is a thought that crops up from time to time staring at yourself in the mirror after getting out of the shower, especially after minute seventeen or so. Since you worded the goal in vague terms, no mention of how much weight or by when, you are pretty much doomed.
Here’s the kicker: since you know you “should” lose weight and don’t you will get upset or take it out on yourself in some way for your inability to do the thing that you know must be done and yet didn’t.
Break it down for me
Since you asked so nicely, here are the seven reasons you really ought to avoid should most of the time:
- It probably isn’t what you mean, do you need to do it or would you just like to?
- When you say you should do something and don’t, you feel bad; even if it was an inconsequential thing.
- Conversely if you say you should do something you are less likely to do it.
- Holy crap, it makes you less likely to succeed and makes you beat yourself up over failing! Why do you need more reasons?
- It is vague to the point of confusion once you really start trying to define what you are saying.
- There are plenty of alternatives: will, could, must, would, etc.
- It is easy enough to mess up your personal improvement, I don’t need any help from a single tricky word that can be easily eliminated from my vocabulary.
So what should I do? Argh there it is again!
Your youwork assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to spend a day keeping track of every time you say the word should. It comes up way more often than you might expect, hell I used it several times in this article and not entirely on purpose either.
If you are particularly obsessive you could keep a journal and put down tally marks but that would be overkill. I started doing this (not the tallying, the paying attention) and holy crap was it an eye opener. It also makes it easier to catch negative thoughts as they arrive.
Seriously, if you catch yourself every time you think “I should…” you can improve your mental well being by a measurable amount. I know because I have been doing this for a month now and it really has helped.
* Did any of you now notice how should is used in the title? If you did, you get three (3!) bonus points. Bonus points not valid currency, offer void in Utah and certain parts of California.
As always I am interested in your feedback. If you think the word is evil and should be banished, that I am completely off my rocker or you tried it yourself please share with us in the comments below.
